Long and personal and not very funny, so consider yourself warned.

Witch-Wife – Edna St. Vincent Millay

She is neither pink nor pale,
    And she never will be all mine;
She learned her hands in a fairy-tale,
    And her mouth on a valentine.

She has more hair than she needs;
    In the sun ’tis a woe to me!
And her voice is a string of colored beads,
    Or steps leading into the sea.

She loves me all that she can,
    And her ways to my ways resign;
But she was not made for any man,
    And she never will be all mine.

Succintly put:

All of my relationships have pretty much ended the same way: fairly out of the blue and with a “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. As a result (of this and life in general) I do tend to be very, very, very pessimistic, cynical and distrustful. Nothing matters or is meaningful. At the ripe ol’ age of 32 I decided oh dear god, no more of this. Single life for me, please. Single and happy, no false hopes, fallen dreams, hurt feelings, relying on other people, etc. Footloose, fancy-free, all that jazz. I want to move. No attachments, please.

Which means, of course, I’m going to meet somebody. Somebody who is the complete opposite of me and not only woos me into trying the relationship thing back on, but into thinking it might actually work, might actually be, oh my god, The One? I don’t believe in that. I’m too old for that. He was frightfully perfect (for me), down to the color of his eyes. But here I sit, 10 months later, once again footloose and fancy-free with 10 months of my life gone.

Oh, be happy for the joy you had. Some people never get love. BLAH BLAH BLAH. Fuck you. Yeah yeah, it’s totally his loss because I am “loving and supportive” and all those nice things everybody keeps saying about me. So? This shit hurts and I am SO VERY VERY TIRED OF IT. I am so tired of reading books and whining about myself, trying to be a better person and someone who can be in a relationship. So this past time I’m balls-to-the-wall honest about everything only to have “immediacy and transparency, right?” thrown in my face as to why I’m being dumped on my birthday. Boo hoo, love hurts, wah wah wah but what I want to know is this: how can someone say these things:

Did you know that is really smart, and that makes me very happy? It’s not just knowledge, she’s very logical, and her conclusions always seem to make sense. I’m constantly surprised and impressed with her intelligence.

 

Did you know that is secretly a really good girlfriend and either A) pretends like she doesn’t know it or B) really doesn’t know it? Did you know that has an incredible sense of humor? I mean, so often we laugh at the same things, and she can be witty funny, cheesy funny, silly funny, romantically funny, any kind, and I always find myself laughing. Whether it’s TV shows (other than 30 Rock only because I haven’t given it a chance), jokes, memes, it doesn’t matter, I love sharing it all. 🙂

Did you also know that  smile is so pretty, that every worry i’ve ever had in my entire life seems to melt away at the mere sight of it? Every time I see one, I know that moment is the happiest moment in my life.

Did you know that is an incredible cook? I mean, every single time she’s made anything at all and I’ve eaten it, it’s been good. Not just good, excellent. That’s not supposed to happen.

My favorite color used to be green, but now it’s the color of your eyes. 🙂

 

 

Your outspoken nature, how candid you are, your intelligence, and your opinions are all things that I value dearly. It’s who you are, and I love that person.

They don’t make enough synonyms for beautiful. But if they did, you’d be all of them. 😉

Has anyone ever told you that you should be driving a car with tinted windows? It’s probably not safe for other people to be driving when they can be so easily distracted by the most beautiful woman in the world.

And your smile is so radiant, if they put you in the middle of battlefields it could end wars… or start them, i suppose. 🙂

Part of me wants to stop everything I’m doing (and I’d do it if I didn’t have to work) so that I could go through the contacts in my phone, call every single person and tell them how amazing you are.

Perhaps you should also know that your eyes are so beautiful that I feel tears forming behind mine every time I look at them, I’m so captivated.

You really are the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.

Not a single woman on the globe could be as perfect for me as you are, with your perfect combination of physical beauty, intelligence, sense of humor, adventurous nature and creativity.

No one could treat me better than you do, either, or be as thoughtful. I know you know that you do well in this category, but you do even better than you think.

Vanity is something you lack, because you have true beauty, so you don’t need it.

Every happy moment I’ve had in my life has not been as good as my happiest moments with you.

Reality feels like a dream when we’re together.

  Roses aren’t good enough for. Perhaps tulips, since they are her favorite. But I think she deserves every kind of flower.

 If I had a company devoted to convincing to be with me for the rest of my life, it would pretty much be in my mission statement.

 “Here at Industries, we understand that no one is perfect. himself is far from it. Our promise to you is that we will always strive for that perfection, so that your relationship with can continue to grow and cultivate even greater bonds than before. This way, you can be ensured that this relationship will be a rock for you to lean on, and will not falter under trial. We will try and succeed, and we will try and fail, but our committment to you is that we will always continue trying.”

You are not just the most beautiful woman i’ve ever known. You are the most beautiful woman i’ve ever SEEN.

I mean, COME ON, you are BEAUTIFUL. Your nose is soooooo cute and perfect. And your mouth (yeah, it’s cute and small, I LOVE it) is wonderful! Your face is the reason I ever started talking to you because at heart, I can be a superficial person like that! It’s the prettiest face I’ve ever SEEN.

 

And then one day…leave? If all of those amazing things are true, why walk away?

“He was too young. Scared. Stupid. Cowardly.”

Friday I’m being promised the best birthday of my life and having a wonderful weekend described to me, Monday I’m dumped. So, when you wonder why I’m so bitter and cynical and hate people so much? Now you know. Bully for you, if being repeatedly lied to, left standing with handfuls of empty promises and broken words (I don’t care if it was “true then.” I want it to be true NOW! Like you SAID it would be! Forever!)  and betrayed is something you accept and are OK with. Lucky you.

 I want more.

That being said, in 2009 I learned a fun game at Burning Man. Yes Day. On Yes Day, you say yes to everything. Want to go get ice? Yes. Want some juice? Yes. Will you ___? Yes. Do you want to ___? Yes.

Summer 2010, nearing my birthday, Nummy asks what the year will be. “What the year will be?” She has a theme for each year. After some thought I remembered Yes Day and thought, 32 will be the Year of Yes.  Not saying yes to every single thing, buy saying yes to things you don’t really want to do. Like go on a date with a 25 year old college boy who has to be gay, right? Learn how to play beer pong. Wear a swimsuit in public.

Summer 2011: I was compiling those excerpts from emails up above and texts to print out and mail to him, with the box he gave me at Christmas

 to put all his love notes in (hence the scanned images). You took all this from me. Take it back. What am I do to with a box of dishonesty and falsehoods? Let it go.  Free myself from it all.

But you know what? That’s dumb. That’s not letting it go. I don’t mean to be dramatic, but I am a…theatrical person who relishes the beauty and symbolism and ritual of life. But sending that back…that’s not really letting go. Reminding him of all the things he said to me…that he took back…what good will that do? So, 33 is going to be the Year of Letting Go. I’m taking the box and burning it in the Temple.

(instead of putting it away with the other boxes and manila envelopes of DEAD LOVE. Ha ha…whenever I go on and on about how shitty I feel, I always end up making fun of it all.)

I am going to talk about it. So here, hey, check it out. I’m talking about my feelings n’shit. I even, right after he left, texted a few people and ended up talking on the phone. I’ve NEVER had anyone to talk to like that, before. It sure did help. If I don’t want to sit around my house being sad and gloomy and thinking of what a failure my life is and how nobody will ever love me ever ever then I have to, well, not sit around my house being sad…so here it goes. Into the flames from which flys the phoenix.

If I would help the weak, I must be fed
In wit and purpose, pour away despair
And rinse the cup, eat happiness like bread.

(It’s not working that great so far, aside from the bravado I’m honing.)

  Sonnet cxvi  – Edna St. Vincent Millay

Well, I have lost you and I lost you fairly
In my own way and with my full consent.
Say what you will, kings in a tumbrel rarely
Went to their deaths more proud than this one went.
Some nights of apprehension and hot weeping
I will confess but that’s permitted me;
Day dried my eyes; I was not one for keeping
Rubbed in a cage a wing that would be free.
If I had loved you less or played you slyly
I might have held you for a summer more,
But at the cost of words I value highly,
And no such summer as the one before.
Should I outlive this anguish_ and men do_
I shall have only good to say of you.

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3 Responses to “Long and personal and not very funny, so consider yourself warned.”

  1. Issa @ LoveLiveGrow Says:

    I’m so sorry. I really hate this for you.

  2. lazerfox Says:

    “I’m taking the box and burning it in the Temple.”

    That is resoundingly the best idea EVER. If you need any support in that endeavor know that I will be there for you.

  3. Christine Says:

    Wow. This sounds like a complete mindf**k. I’m so sorry this happened. The Year of Letting Go sounds like a great idea though. Good luck.

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