Today is the WURST!

So here I sit at my desk, FEELING the second hand on the clcok

DAMMIT I forgot to dye my eyebrows. (popped up to laminate some bookmarks and went to the bathroom there, after “clcok.”)

WalMart didn’t have my usual summer shade, so I tried a new one.

Don’t like it. Too fake.

So now Tmus is RUINT. My hair is fake, my complexion is pre-menstrual, and I’m getting there LATE.

…not really late, usually this time I’d be on the road. I go early, stay late. I had to work today, though…and of course people won’t stop DYING and I don’t know if I can leave early enough to beat the ghastly suburbuan rush hour traffic…there’s only one freakin’ way to get to Asheville from here, and it is the WORST stretch of highway.

What was I talking about? Oh, right, clock. Seconds. I’m sitting here, my car is just outside packed and ret to GO!

My black-eyed pea hummus

is in the fridge with the rest of the cooler stuff. I even had time last night to decorate my parasol, the one I got for Burning Man.

Yes yes, I know it’s an “umbrella,” but since I am using it for shade and not rain, it is a PARASOL to me.

Though the difference between a parasol and an umbrella may seem confusing today, it was absolutely clear and unquestionable to Victorian society. A woman who carried an umbrella was admitting publicly that she could not afford to own or hire a carriage for transportation when it was raining. But a woman with a parasol was most assuredly a LADY, she carried it in fair weather not in foul; and if she happened to be riding in a carriage, she made sure her driver pulled down its convertible top, so that her parasol was conspicuously exposed, clearly indicating her dress and position to everyone she passed.”

And I am nothing if not a fucking lady!

No matter how early I start making packing and to-do lists, no matter how soon I start on costumes, things don’t come together until a day or two before I’m supposed to leave. The space pirate costume, sucksucksucksuck oh wait, this works!

 Now let’s do this! Hey, this looks pretty good! I couldn’t have done it without Audrey’s help, of course.

…why didn’t you look good two weeks ago when I started, and could have used all these hours for other stuff? Like SLEEP?

The beer helmet came out nicely, too.

Spray paint on my knee aside…

I don’t drink beer, of course (unless it’s gluten-free) so I got some tequila.

I got a four-pack of those, and another one that’s grapefruit and tequila. Mmmm…tequila!

My poor house, though…

This morning I ran outside, Slutlife called to ask when I’d be getting there, and as we chatted I found a sticker stuck to the bottom of my foot.

“SHAKE WELL BEFORE USING”

Ha! “Well,” I told him, “It’s got cat hair and glitter stuck all over the back of it, so I know it’s from my house…”

Then we made jokes about my vagina.

Oh, hey, I can make a joke about all that and my rug (or is it carpet?):

Vagina.

On a side note, Rue 21 had these bobo wellies

It was hard to resist this

But a girl doesn’t want to OVER beercessorize, you know?

Also,

When I get back there will be all sorts of fun posts about my top-secret art protest, the rest of the space pirate and oodles of tom-foolery. Plus, I’ll get back to talking about the almighty BRC, and that’s why y’all are here, right? Right.

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2 Responses to “Today is the WURST!”

  1. FireMoose Says:

    What’s a “Gunt”?

  2. J Says:

    Ha ha! That’s a fancy, swoopy “C.” 😉

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