I was going back and forth every day, about whether or not to try and go to BM again this year. Then someone gave me a ticket and I took it as a sign from God. Put some proverbial wheels in motion, starting feeling around for camp and travel plans…if it was next week, I couldn’t go. Even just projecting, it’d be grossly irresponsible of me, financially-speaking, to go this year.

I applied for a scholarship, thinking, “I could never use a whole thousand dollars! If I win I’ll take like, half and then help somebody else out!”
But I could definitely use it all-  and not for anything fun! Just getting there and back could be about half of that.

I’d feel just AWFUL, though. These amazing strangers simply want me there, so they sent me a ticket. I don’t want to send it back! But I have to be realistic. I was buoyed by that first day of selling clothes and making a little over a hundred dollars, but nothing’s happened since then. Sucks, because I know the shit I have would absolutely sell. I’m going to try some places in Atlanta, next month. Probably have to do the flea market – it is fun, yes, but oh, hard work! And not reliable. I could make $80. I could make $200 – $80 more dollars than I had, yes, but.

So, I’m trying to set a deadline for myself. If I don’t have a solid amount of plans and money (the plans, of course, relying on the money) by __, I will have to be a grown-up. Dammit. Boo! Not to mention, other people trying to make their plans, and I can’t string them along, either! I guess that means I won’t be with Stag Camp – here’s the thing. I thought last year, that camping with friends would be helpful. It wasn’t. So, fuck it, I’m going to throw myself in with a lot of strangers. But, but…what if they don’t like me?? What if they’re all a bunch of sit-around-camp beer swilling hippies??? And they don’t like DOOM!

(yeah yeah, what if they don’t? so what?)

Anyways. That’s where I’m at. If I don’t go (and odds are I’ll never go again, because that is just money I don’t ever have) I’d have to cut it out of my life…stop posting on Eplaya and thinking about it. It’s maddening, I tells ya!


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