Leave me lying here.

Watching this video

(from quite possibly the best comment thread EVER)

I thought, “PJ Harvey + Bjork is kind of a good way to describe me…if I were to be so narcississtic. Bizarre, ever-adventurous and wearing swan dresses – sometimes. Black, somber and moody – sometimes.”

I had a big realization this week…to put it succintly, I am not growing old gracefully. I resent every wrinkle, decry every white hair. Looking in the mirror and sighing the other morning I thought, “You know what my problem is? I don’t feel I’ve earned it.” My life is stuck in maiden while my body is heading towards crone…and I don’t have the whole in-between journey of love and motherhood and the shit that supposedly will turn me into a “wise woman…”  I don’t have chidren, to blame the white hairs on. I don’t have a partner, with whom to share each new ill (apparently, everything going wrong with me is because of my 30s) and grow closer to as we head towards the inevitable together. I have “career” or point to my life…just allergies I never had and more recovery time if I happen to have some fun.

So that was an interesting morning.

I have, though, become the cool older girl to someone. And I hate it. She’s all, “I’m so glad I met you, you’re fantastic, thank you for __ and ___” and I’m all, “Nonononononono…nononono…”

Lately my mornings look like this

My days feel like this

Not sure how much longer I can blame it on winter.

You can come back, I haven’t left you yet, and when the lights go out I pick the angel up I only have two left feet.


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